The Fear of Confrontation.

Why do some of us find confrontation to be extremely terrifying, even though sometimes it could be to our benefit? @Zuma

A discourse that is in conflict is typically confrontational. It occasionally happens as a result of unresolved conflict. It can at times lead to further conflict. And sometimes, if handled appropriately, it might mark the start of deeper understanding and trust. However, you must first have the ability to manage your fear of confrontation.

Reasons for the fear of confrontation.

The past week, I've been reflecting a lot on my really severe social anxiety and the overwhelming fear I have occasionally while facing particular issues in my life and I read an article by Dan Rose, a content creator for SkillPath, and in his article he cited Charley Reid from Love.Panky.com, who stated that people fear confrontation for six reasons, which were recently detailed in a blog post.

1.       You are afraid of conflict because of your upbringing - Your prior experiences with abusive relationships or disastrous breakups have left you with a phobia of conflict.

2.       You avoid conflict because you don't want to appear foolish in front of others.

3.       You worry that people won't like you - You worry that after a disagreement, people won't like you as much or won't like you at all.

4.       You're underrepresented - It's challenging enough to defend yourself in front of one other person but facing off against a lot of people is terrifying.

5.       You're not confident in your ability to present your side of the issue - Maybe you have poor public speaking skills and worry that you won't make your point.

6.       You don't give your brain enough time to comprehend the information before speaking, so you speak before you're ready.

As I read this, I could hear the voice in my head ticking off each item, starting with number one and ending with number six. It's one thing to believe you have something, but once you have it proven, practically everything changes. That's when I realized I needed to find a solution so I could manage it better.

The majority of the effort required to have unpleasant talks is spent on self-preparation and maintaining composure. When you feel ready, you should start participating. You preserve your authority and aid in the calmness of others if you can stay composed and focused during the talk, even when things appear to be spiralling out of hand.

Overcoming the fear of confrontation

In the same article, Dan shares six ways to get over the fear of confrontation.

1.       Describe the disadvantages of being a pushover.

-          Make a list of the issues you face when you avoid conflict. Perhaps you feel overwhelmed when you get home from work. Or perhaps every time you allow someone close to you to harm your feelings, your relationship with them suffers.

2.       List the benefits of speaking up.

-          On the back of the same piece of paper, list the benefits of speaking up: You might see an improvement in your relationships, find a solution to your issues, or simply feel better. Describe your potential gains in detail.

3.       Examine your presumptions around confrontation.

-          Confrontational anxiety frequently stems from false preconceptions. Your dread is only fueled by ideas like "Confrontation is bad" or "Telling someone I disagree with them would damage our relationship." In actuality, conflict is constructive. Speaking up and expressing your viewpoint can be done in a variety of considerate and assertive ways and doing so may have a greater positive impact than you could have ever anticipated.

4.       Deal with each issue separately

-          Choose one little issue to address if there is just one individual you prefer to avoid approaching, such as a very difficult co-worker. Avoid focusing on the most pressing issue and refrain from making a long list of things you dislike. Start out slowly and monitor the results. Pick a safe person to confront first if you decide not to speak up to everyone nearby. By taking care of a small issue, you'll feel more confident using assertiveness in future circumstances.

5.       Make "I" statements only, and practice remaining composed.

-          The capacity to use only "I" statements is the cornerstone of effective communication. Say, "I am concerned about the way you treat the group, and I feel insulted when you arrive late," as opposed to, "You're so haughty in meetings, and you never even bother getting up on time." Being assertive rather than aggressive is the aim.

6.       Continue to improve little by little

-          The art of confronting someone outweighs the science of it. In certain situations, what works well may not work in others. But as you gain experience, you'll learn when to speak up, how to do it, and the most efficient ways to do so.

Dan brought up some excellent comments, and I hope you find them helpful. I'm still working on mine. It will certainly take years to break a long-standing habit of confrontational fear, not days or weeks, but years. The process and daily practice are more crucial here than the duration of time it will take to break this undesirable habit. Never give up and develop consistency in your efforts.

If you've experienced the fear of confrontation and overcame it in methods that are different from or comparable to those described here, please share them in the comments.

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With Thanks, Love, and Appreciation.

Nhlosenhle Zuma